Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize