She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
