this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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