Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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