saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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