I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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