Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
