I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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