my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
