Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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