I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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