The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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