I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
