I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
