whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
