Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
