Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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