The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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