Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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