He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
