dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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