I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
