he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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