My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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