what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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