I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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