dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
