Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
