We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
