His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
