My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
