my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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