True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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