Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
