i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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