I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize