you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
