i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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