Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
