If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
