Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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