I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
