I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
