Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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