Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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