I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
