Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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