just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
