i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
