How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
