yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh god it's open bar.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
