Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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