My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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