Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize