I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
