tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
