So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
