well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
