i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't deserve a penis
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
