i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
