Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
