Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
