...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Is Oprah even human
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize