If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
