my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Enjoy the penises
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
